An out of work gentleman had answered the sex shop's job advertisement and was being interviewed by the shop's owner. "So, have you had any experience in this line of work?" asked the shop owner. "No, none," said the applicant. "Well, that's okay," the owner said, and proceeded to tell the young man that he was due in a meeting shortly and that he would have the run of the shop to himself for a while. "Wait a minute," the applicant said. "I just told you I don't have any experience." "That's okay," said the owner. "All you have to have really is a little knowledge about dildos. For instance......this white one here is 10 inches long and costs 15 dollars. And this black one is 15 inches long and costs 25 dollars." The young man thought to himself for a minute and told the owner he could handle it. No sooner had the owner stepped out for his meeting, then an attractive lady walked into the shop. "Excuse me sir, could you help me find a dildo?", she asked. "Why of course," the young man said. "We have a white one here that is 10 inches long and costs 15 dollars. And we have a black one beside it that is 15 inches long and costs 25 dollars." The lady looked them over and said, "they're both nice, but how much is that plaid one up on the top shelf?" "Oh," the man explained, "that one is 50 dollars." "I'll take it," she said, and walked out of the shop with her new purchase. An hour or so later, the owner returned and asked his new helper how his first day was. "Did you sell any dildos," he asked. "No," the young man answered, "but I got 50 bucks for my thermos." This guy has a bad case of hemorrhoids, he decides to go see the doctor. The doctor says, "It's not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass." The doctor then says, "I'll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the second this evening." The man replies, "Okay." Later that evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon his shoulder and tells him to bend over. All of the sudden the guy screams "Oh My God!!" "What's wrong?" The man replies, "I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me my medicine." An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus." Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?" The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and my wife have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating." The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago." The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that." The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, "So what happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!" Full Stop A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please?" "What's the problem, officer?" "Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection." "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me". "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution." "you gotta be kidding me!" "It's no joke, sir". "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution." "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and. . ." "You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?" "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!" "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." The police officer had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?" Bathroom buttons A man was flying on an airplane and needed to take a shit. He went to the back of the airplane and noticed that the man's washroom had a big line and the woman's had no line. He went to the flight attendant and asked, "Could I quickly use the woman's washroom?" "Yes, but don't touch any of the buttons." The flight attendant said. The man entered and saw a button labelled W. He pushed it and water got sprayed on his ass. This is great, he thought. He saw a button labelled BP. He pushed it and he got his buns powdered. Perfect, he thought. The man saw a third button labelled ATR. He pushed it and he fainted. The next thing he knew, he was on a stretcher. The flight attendant looked down at him and said, "I told you not to push the automatic tampon remover."